I think I’ve told most people in my life I needed to about my new “plan” for the future. Up until a week ago, I was going to move to Kansas City, MO to teach for two years. I was accepted to a program that puts teachers in communities across the country that need energetic people. I loved the idea of moving to a city that was comparable to the Milwaukee I grew to love over the past few years, and I loved the idea of knowing I didn’t have to face the reality of the real world until 2014.
I also liked the idea of running away. For the past three years, I’ve faced a number of challenges here that made me want to pick up and leave. I wanted to be able to start a new life by myself where nobody had a clue who I was. I wanted to leave everything behind. I wanted to create a happiness that I felt I was faking for the benefit of everyone around me. I had adopted a mentality (probably not the healthiest choice ever) that I needed to get the heck out of dodge to have a genuine smile and laugh on a daily basis. I had told myself in 2009 that I needed to run, and that idea had turned itself into everything I lived by.
In the past few weeks, I had a revelation: I didn’t know what I was running from anymore.
I realized that I’ve been happier than I thought possible over the course of the last year. I’ve taken ownership of a life that I’ve dreamed of for what seems like forever, and I’ve begun to create everything I wanted. Here. In Wisconsin. Who would’ve thought?
Long story short, I started to panic. What the heck was I doing trying to run away to something that might not be as good as what I’ve started to lay the foundation for here? I went to visit Kansas City thinking maybe being there again would re-energize my desire to go there for a while, knowing I could always come back afterwards if I wanted to. But I hated every second of it. I know that’s not the most positive attitude, but all that hate and anxiety made me realize I didn’t need to run away. I could be here. I could figure out what to do with my life because I want to, and I don’t need to worry about everyone else’s thoughts on the entire process. It took a lot for me to make the big girl decision, but holy smokes did I feel good afterwards.
I’m not quite sure where I’ll be working next year. I might not for a few months. I don’t know what city I’ll be living in. I don’t know anything really. But the one thing I do know is this: I made a choice for me, for my own happiness, and I am so unbelievably excited to see where it brings me.
I’ll keep cherishing. Because I love being a Sconnie. And I love being happy. But what I love even more is the idea of continuing that happiness in Wisconsin.